Your feet must be tired.

Everyone knows that Will Smith is the man. Even Barack Obama has picked the Fresh Prince as the frontrunner to star as the President in a potential biopic. But before he was slaying aliens in Men in Black, overcoming the odds in The Pursuit of Happyness, playing matchmaker in Hitch, and being a legend in I Am Legend, he was sweeping ladies off their feet in the best sitcom ever to grace the tube, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. The quality one-liners and freestyle raps are endless, but this compilation captures the best of Will's pick up lines.

As a product of a single-sex Catholic high school built upon the principle of empowerment (bordering on feminism), I'm a firm believer that only creeps with no respect for my gender use pick up lines. But I have to say, the Fresh Prince's lines are pretty charming. Notice in every scene a few similar qualities of rhetorical mastery:

• Pathos - About forty seconds into the linked video, Will approaches an attractive young female and ropes her in with an emotional appeal that at once makes him appear more sensitive than his brutish counterparts and invites his ladyfriend to feel the need to comfort him in his emotionally fragile state. A pity date is still a date.
• Logos -  In another instance, Will cites the dictionary (probably a more liberal version than Meriam-Webster) and tells a girl he recognizes her from under the entry for "Kablam!" Using an authoritative source of language makes it official, even if this interjection is not officially recognized in most orthodox dictionaries.
• Gustos - Will Smith might be the coolest person on the planet. But even he knows that such an aggressive and potentially offensive approach is anything but cool. Nevertheless, he goes all out with whatever insanity he's saying. The guts and enthusiasm eliminate any creepiness and instead allow his counterparts to see his attempt at humorous, and therefore charming. 
• Praise - Pick up lines get a bad rap (not the Fresh Prince's cup of tea) because most of them are requests for sexual favors thinly disguised in slime and hair gel. Flattery, on the other hand, can get you pretty far. 
• Confidence - Even the sleaziest pick up artist will tell you that confidence is key. Will Smith definitely has that on lock. Notice the eye contact and cool facade he maintains as he wins the ladies over with ridiculous words. 
• Creativity - Did it hurt when she fell from heaven? Maybe the first few times people asked her that, but now she's used to it. Will Smith takes pick up lines to a whole new level. Perhaps you want a cappuccino. Will is "dark, hot, sweet," and he'll put a spoon in his mouth to solidify the connection between an espresso drink and a boyfriend. And he's not afraid to use words like they've never been used before. Being told you look like some "good god wrapped up in some have mercy" is flattering and unique. 

As Will says at the beginning of the linked video, "Half the battle is the lyrics you toss at the honeys." So next time you find yourself out on that battlefield, ask yourself, "What would Will say?" Telling someone she's synonymous with the interjection, "Kablam!" might seem scary. But at the end of the day, word choice makes not only for a great date later, but also for some great TV-watching now. 

Mischief Managed.

A few days ago, my mother was once again pillaging for non-existent weaponry and drug paraphernalia under the pretense of "cleaning my room and looking for things to donate." She found a little note I left her in high school, a picture of which (below) she sent me from her Droid, which is disturbing considering she recently asked me how to copy and paste. 

After following the arrow prompting her to flip the card over, my shocked mother had read a post-script I had written along the lines of:

P.S. Mom, none of that is true. I just wanted to remind you that I could do worse things than skip a little school, the detention slips for which you need to sign. They're in the blue folder on my desk. Love ya! You looked radiant today. Call me when it's safe to come home. Forever your little girl, Maura

Just a junior in high school, I was known to have pulled a couple Ferris Buellers every now and then. The disciplinary action came when I bumped into my theology teacher, who had called in sick that Friday, at the Phillies' World Series parade. He was such a Principal Rooney. 

You may be wondering if this artful manipulation of context surrounding my unexcused absences worked. It did not. There's only so much perspective a fabricated context can give. I was hoping the emotional roller coaster inching up to fear, plunging through disappointment, and looping several times through disgust and horror would provide a flattering comparison to getting a few detentions. In hindsight, my mother has told me since my first day on this planet that I would be disowned if I ever a) dyed my hair, b) got anything but my ears pierced, or c) got a tattoo. Focusing on these three methods of aesthetic disobedience could have perhaps had a stronger effect.

This isn't the only time I've used rhetoric to exonerate myself from the various instances of mischief I've accomplished. There's that time I pretended to be devastated when I got my first speeding ticket so my mom would console me, forgetting about the fine and pending court date. Or the time I acted uninterested in the case of Corona she foolishly left in the garage before Senior Week. Sometime it works, sometimes it doesn't. I had plenty of time to think about it in the additional detention she petitioned the school to give me.